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~ “From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.” ~

- Bette Davis

ARIES – The Ram

March 21 to April 20

As Aries is the first sign of the zodiac, those born under this sign are born leaders with a natural positive and enthusiastic energy that allows their aura’s to shimmer in a dazzling ruby shine. Lovers of life in the fast lane, Ariens possess a high physical energy level, which they need to express without any bounds. However it’s important for them to realize that there is a world of a difference between ‘aggression’ and ‘assertion’, the later being a more constructive way of releasing excessive energy. Their high ambitions and ideals often allow them to become pioneers in their respective fields, forever willing to take on every challenge head-on, for Aries knows no fear, and never shies away from achieving their biggest and wildest dreams.

BASICS

Aries - The Ram

  • Motto: I am
  • Element: Fire
  • Modality: Cardinal (Leaders)
  • Gender: Masculine/Yang
  • Polarity: Positive
  • Duality: Day
  • Soul: Infant
  • Ages: 0 – 7
  • Nature: Bestial/Violent
  • Season: Spring
  • Direction: East
  • Color: Red
  • Metal: Iron
  • Stone: Bloodstone
  • Trees: Holly, Fir, All Thorn-Bearing Trees and Bushes
  • Herbs: Arnica, Bayberry, Broom, Bryony, Furze, Honeysuckle, Hops, Geranium, Juniper, Leeks, Milk, Thistle, Mustard, Nettle, Onions, Peppermint, Rhubarb, Tobacco, Witch Hazel
  • Foods: Beer, Leeks, Onion, Tomatoes, Most Strong Tasting Foods
  • Countries: England, Germany, France, Sweden, Poland, Denmark, Japan, Syria
  • Cities: Birmingham, Brunswick, Florence, Naples, Marseilles, Krakow, Leicester, Verona
  • Affirmation: I am achievement. I have the power to translate my dreams into reality.

PLANETARY INFLUENCE

Planet Mars

  • Planetary Dignity:-
    • Ruling: Mars
    • Exalted: Sun
    • Detriment: Venus
    • Fall: Saturn (classical)/Uranus (Modern)
    • Esoteric Ruler: Mercury
  • Classical Decans:-
    • First Decan: Mars
    • Second Decan: Sun
    • Third Decan: Venus
  • Modern Decans:-
    • First Decan: Mars
    • Second Decan: Sun
    • Third Decan: Jupiter
  • House: First/Ascendant

TAROT & QABALAH

The Emperor - Aleister Crowley Thoth Tarot

  • Tarot Correspondence:-
    • Major Arcana: The Emperor
    • Minor Arcana: 2 of Wands, 3 of Wands, 4 of Wands
    • Court Card: Queen of Wands; King of Pentacles

  • Qabalah:
    • Hebrew Letter: He (Window)
    • Path: 15 – Constituting Intelligence
    • Sephiras: Chokmah (Wisdom) – Tiphareth (Beauty)
    • Qliphotic Name: Da’Airiron (The Flock)
    • Calendar: Ayar
    • Magical Power: Consecrating Things
    • Magical Weapon: Horns, Bruin, Energy
    • Hierarchy: Xeophim
    • Order of the Blessed Spirits: Seraphim
    • 12 Degrees of Damned: False Gods

BODY, MIND, and SOUL

  • Anatomy:-
    • External: Head and Face
    • Internal: Brain
    • Structural: Cranium and Facial Bones
    • Notable Features: Long Neck. Bony or Angular face. Broad Temples. Narrow Chin. Crisp or Wiry Hair. Generally a distinctive mark on the face (a scar or a mole or a birthmark).
  • Mind:-
    • Positive Traits: Innocence. Wonder. Faith. Enthusiasm. Raw Courage.
    • Negative Traits: Selfishness. Egotistical. Thoughtlessness. Impulsive. Reckless.
  • Soul:-
    • Karmic Lessons: To find and to assert one’s Self.
    • Karmic Strengths: Tremendous courage and the ability to get things moving.
    • Karmic Goal: Becoming aware of the Self and initiating and being spontaneous without ignoring the needs of others.

DIVINITY

Ares - God of War

  • Biblical Reference: The Crowned Ram (Revelations 5:6)
    • Apostle: Matthias
    • Prophet: Malachi
    • Archangel: Malchidial
    • Angel: Sharhiel
    • Evangelist: Mark
    • Tribe of Israel: Gad

  • Deities:-
    • African and Haitian: Oshun, Chango
    • Celtic/Welsh: Macha, Llew
    • China: Tien-Hou, Kuan Ti
    • Egypt: Neith, Horus
    • Greece: Athena, Ares
    • India: Durga, Agni, Shiva
    • Japan: Amaterasu, Bishamon
    • Native and Latin America: Huitzilopochtli, Catequil
    • Nordic/Germanic: Alaisiagae, Freyr
    • Oceania: Pele, Oro
    • Roman: Minerva, Mars

CELEBRITIES

Hayden Christensen

  • Men: Adrien Brody, Alec Baldwin, Andy Garcia, Charlie Chaplin, Christopher Walken, Conan O’Brien, David Letterman, Dennis Quaid, Dudley Moore, Eddie Murphy, Elton John, Eric Clapton, Ewan McGregor, Casanova, Gregory Peck, Harry Houdini, Heath Ledger, Hugh Hefner, Jackie Chan, John Sebastian Bach, John Schneider, JP Morgan, Marlon Brando, Omar Sharif, Quentin Tarantino, Robert Downey Jr., Russell Crowe, Steve McQueen, Timothy Dalton, Warren Beatty

Lady Gaga

  • Women: Amanda Bynes, Aretha Franklin, Ashley Judd, Bette Davis, Celine Dion, Debbie Reynolds, Diana Ross, Doris Day, Elizabeth Montgomery, Gloria Steinem, Jayne Mansfield, Jennifer Garner, Joan Crawford, Julia Stiles, Julie Christie, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightley, Lady Gaga, Linda Goodman, Lucy Lawless, Mandy Moore, Marcia Cross, Mariah Carey, Reese Witherspoon, Rosie O’Donnell, Sarah Jessica Parker, Selena, Shirley Jones, Simone Signoret, Virginia Grey

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This is an old skit I had written a few years back. I had posted it on the Aeclectic Tarot Forum, but felt it was time to revive it after all these years and give it a dash of freshness. Now I must say, this is by no means a complete depiction, nor full interpretation of the High Priestess, nor the Hierophant. Everything here is purely fictitious and is meant solely for entertainment purposes. Although, once I did finish it, I realized so much can truly apply to the Tarot, as well as, some of the characterizations seemed to fit in with basic card interpretation. So who knows, maybe through this crazy Tarot parody, someone’s able to learn something new. So without any further delay, I present

SCENE:

The Hierophant and his two followers are religious fundamentalists who are going door-to-door, spreading their ideologies and ‘saving souls’. They arrive at the residence of the High Priestess.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

Loud vicious barks of two dogs can be heard after the knock. The two ‘followers’ are scared at first as one of the dogs sound eerily like a wolf.

The High Priestess

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Inside the house)

Boaz! Jachin! Shush Up Already! Jeeze, this is what happens when you adopt animals born on a full moon!

(Opens the door looking tired, lack of sleep giving her dark circles, the smeared mascara doesn’t help. Wearing a flimsy robe that although outlines her figure, covers what’s meant to be covered.)

Yes?

HIEROPHANT:

Good morning ma’am. My name is Brother Jeremiah, and we’re from the Conformist Sect of the Unionist Holy Father.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Dazed and confused)

Huh?

HIEROPHANT:

We’re going door-to-door, spreading the true and honest word of our holy sacrificial savior, and hopefully get the chance to save your soul?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Guffaws)

Save my soul? Honey, I can barely save to buy crystals and incense.

HIEROPHANT:

Which is why, we’re calling in your neighborhood today to inform you that our scriptural texts hold the answers for all the problems of the world, as well as, those that affect your life too.

The Hierophant

HIGH PRIESTESS:

You mean it can give a solution for pre-menstrual cramps and psychically caused crown-chakra migraines?

HIEROPHANT:

Well, we were talking more in terms of problems like divorce, war, sadness…

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Um, aren’t there lawyers for the first, government officials for the second, and Prozac for the third?

HIEROPHANT:

Yes, but through following the doctrine of our texts, one can learn to create a world where everyone is happy, peaceful, and free of sin.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Okay… I think you ought to go to see Starina at number 17, ever since she came back from that nudist camp she’s been in a perpetual state of optimistic bliss.

HIEROPHANT:

A nudist camp? Why that’s a high level of indecency!

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Indecency?

HIEROPHANT:

Why yes, such acts go against virtues dictated by our scriptures.


HIGH PRIESTESS:

Honey, do you really believe and follow everything written within that?


HIEROPHANT:

Yes, our congregation believes to follow our scriptures word-to-word, without any exception. Within our scriptures we find rules that are both moral and practical for our day-to-day living. Giving us a proper conduct for personal, professional, and spiritual conduct, as well as, a complete guide on how, when, and what to do.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Rolling her eyes and muttering under her breath)

Does it even tell you how and when to go potty?

HIEROPHANT:

Beg your pardon ma’am?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Nothing,

(Covering her snide comment with a smile)

HIEROPHANT:

If you’d give us a few minutes of your time and invite us in, we can give you a demonstration of our scriptural study course, and give you a preview of how you can use our scriptures for your life.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Not interested and I’m flat broke.

HIEROPHANT:

It’s free.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Free? Well, why didn’t you say so? Do come on in.

(Leads them inside her house which is untidy, filled with scattered occult/pagan paraphernalia, with incense ash and used candle wax spread everywhere, with too many veils hanging between pillars.)

Forgive the mess, was having an esbat party last night. Add a few drops of E to Temperance’s cup, and she totally flies off the handle. At least I think she’s a she. She’s been through so many sexual re-adjustment surgeries that it’s hard to tell now. And I thought Justicia was a fickle Libra!

HIEROPHANT:

(Sitting upon the sofa, trying to conceal the scandalized expression on his face)

How lovely!

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Sitting on the bean bag next to the sofa in the lotus position as her iPod begins to play fusion chants)

HIEROPHANT:

(Not amused, but conceals it)

Well, as you know, I’m Brother Jeremiah.

(Turning to his two ‘followers’)

And this is Brother Luke, and Brother Peter.

BOTH THE FOLLOWERS:

How do you do?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Arching a brow)

Huh? You all don’t look very brotherly to me.

HIEROPHANT:

As a sign of respect, we call all the men in our following as Brother, and women in our following as Sister.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

So then you marry your brothers and sisters?

HIEROPHANT:

(Caught off-guard)

Well no, I mean yes, I mean no…

(Scratching his head)

… Well, it’s a long story.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

I bet

HIEROPHANT:

Well, before we start, could you tell us your name?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Oh sure, Astarte Selene.

HIEROPHANT:

What a lovely name!

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Thanks, my mother originally wanted to keep my name as Peggy Sue Smith, but how many people would go to a Tarot Reader by that name? I mean where’s the gypsy mystique?

HIEROPHANT:

(A little panicked)

You’re a Tarot Reader?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Well yeah, I also do Astrological Charts and Tea-Leaf Readings.

HIEROPHANT:

Why that’s sheer blasphemy! Do you not know that those things are evil?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Arches a brow)

So 78 sheets of cardboard, celestial bodies in the sky, and dried herbs from Darjeeling are evil?

HIEROPHANT AND FOLLOWES:

Yes!

HIEROPHANT:

They are creations of Satan, the source of all things evil.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Satan? Oh you mean The Devil?

HIEROPHANT:

Yes, the one and only.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Oh honey, he didn’t invent either. Tarot originated in 15th century Italy, and Astrology began in 5000 BC in India, and well, I’m not so sure of Tea-Leaf readings… maybe that came in from China… or should I be politically correct and add the People’s Republic before it?

HIEROPHANT:

Yes he did!

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Um, no he didn’t!

HIEROPHANT:

And what makes you think that?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Simple, he’s my ex!
(The Hierophant and the two followers scream in shock!)

HIGH PRIESTESS:

What?

HIEROPHANT:

You were married to The Devil?


HIGH PRIESTESS:

Well, no, we were civil partners. Since he had boobs, and yet had a dick, they didn’t find a legal way to classify him as one gender, and with all the issues of the legality of gay marriage, Judgment didn’t approve of marriage between woman and tranny. So hence, we had a civil union. I didn’t see the problem, fat men all over the world get man-boobs; or as the Empress calls them, ‘Moobies’, yet they don’t get stripped of their gender-title! And The Devil wasn’t even fat! His mother just drank a lot during her pregnancy, and was a total flower child of the sixties; hence all the booze and pot smoke led him to that. Don’t know about how the goat-like features came in, but she was raised on a farm, and who knows what lonely farm hicks do when they’re in need of some action. Hmmm, he never did mention his father a whole lot.

HIEROPHANT:

Oh you poor thing!

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Well, not really poor, I hired Magician as my Lawyer, and he sprung a few legal loop-holes outta nowhere and got The Devil to pay me a 6 figure amount every month! Too bad I have a compulsive shopping disorder that makes me spend everything on those tacky new-age stores.

HIEROPHANT:

Tacky New-Age Stores?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Oh you know the kind? The ones with all the tacky purple graphics with the lame-ass faerie and elf art that’s supposed to give it a whimsical feel, but end up looking all kitschy and gross. And don’t get me started on how they overcharge for their cheap ‘made-in-china’ merchandise that’s filled with toxic lead, ‘cause that is just effed up!

HIEROPHANT:

(Shocked and perturbed)

Well… I … er… am sorry you had to endure being with the king of darkness.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Well, my first boyfriend Death La Mort actually deserves that title. Seriously, dating a Scorpio is like emotional suicide, with their secrets and obsessive grudges sheesh. The Devil preferred to be called, The Horned One, if you know what I mean.

(Naughty wink with an emphasis on ‘Horn’)

HIEROPHANT:

(Eyes widen with horror, slightly uncomfortable)

Did you live in hell with him?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Na, Hell was actually a winter retreat for us. In the summer it’s unbearable! Gives me blisters on my sensitive milky skin. Rest of the time, we lived at Hermits estate in the valley. He spends almost all his time locked away at the top of that mountain of his, that he hardly stays at home. I believe that mountain is called Brokeback.

THE TWO FOLLOWERS:

(Looking at the Hierophant)

Isn’t that the same place you go to fish every summer…

HIEROPHANT:

(Shushing his followers, trying his best to maintain his composure, and then turning to the High Priestess)

Please… do go on.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Yeah, it was fun at first. He was like a horny old goat, although he suffered from premature arthritis, hence I had to be on top most of the time, which is fine by me, but I only wish he took some calcium and vitamin D supplements once in a while, as he never went out during sunlight hours.

HIEROPHANT:

Because the glorious radiant light of the sun would eliminate him?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Oh please! Do you really believe that old-wives-tale? That’s as ridiculous as a bucket of water melting a witch! No, he just didn’t like going out when the sun was out, because the couple next door, ‘The Lovers’, they had an irritating infant child who rode on his pet pony all day long in the backyard, belting away songs of happiness and joy. He loved the sunlight so much, that they named him The Sun. Though he was cute n all, he so totally got on your nerves, and there was no shutting him up!

HIEROPHANT:

Um… I see.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

So after the first few years, he began revealing his true sides.

HIEROPHANT:

His evil side?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Well, I wouldn’t call it evil. More like possessive, needy, narcissistic, and down right chauvinistic. The sex was fantastic, a lil fur at the right spots can really turn a girl on, but when he began with the chains and whips and all, it got all freaky. I had to draw the line when he bought in the couple next door, The Lovers, as his BDSM slaves!

HIEROPHANT:

(Jaw drops in horror)

Um… I think we ought to leave now.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Already? I thought you guys would give me a free demo or something?

HIEROPHANT:

Um.. I … er.. well, we just remembered that we had an urgent meeting. Something about an impressionable young woman and her rather questionable relationship with her pet lion.

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Oh you mean Fortitudia!

HIEROPHANT:

You know her?

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Oh totally, well, we dated during sophomore year at Arcana U. Not that I’m lez or anything, but you know how we all just like to experiment a bit during college. I was having a fling with The Charioteer, mainly because of his fancy chariot. Oh don’t gimme that look! I was 19, and well, what can I say? Chicks dig a good ride! So while things were all fun, he became exceedingly clingy and always compared me to his mother. (Sigh) Cancer men and their mothers! Talk about one Freudian mess. Meanwhile, Fortitudia was having a tryst with a Yoga Instructor – I don’t remember his name, but he kept ‘hanging’ upside down all the time. Claimed doing so improved his sex drive. We all four met at this rave at this old nightclub called ‘The Spinning Wheel’, and one thing led to another, and what started out as just innocent girl-on-girl grind action on the dance floor, led to us dumping our respective flings and indulging in a two-year intense lezzie r/s. It was all fun at first, but … well, let’s just say I’m the kinda girl that shops Manolo’s and Choo’s, while she’s more of a Outdoor Haven and Home Depot kinda girl. She did love her pet lion though. A bit too much. Come to think of it, I did wonder why the lion got more love than I.

HIEROPHANT:

(Making a squeamish smile)

How lovely! Well, we best be going.

(He and the two followers hurry out the door).

HIGH PRIESTESS:

(Calling out to them as they head out to the sidewalk)

When will I get my free demo?

HIEROPHANT:

Don’t call us, we’ll come-a-knocking!

HIGH PRIESTESS:

Coolies!

(The Hierophant and his two followers run to the final home down the lane)


THE FOLLOWERS:

(Huffing and puffing, trying to catch their breath)

Whew!… That… was… so twisted!

(The two followers agree by nodding)

HIEROPHANT:

(Composing himself)

Let’s hope we have better luck here (knocks on the door).

(A skeleton in black armor answers the door)

DEATH:

Yes?

HIEROPHANT:

Um… I think we got the wrong house…

(turning to run)

………………

THE END!

……………..

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